One of the things I realized a long time ago was that there is always someone who resonates with me. Maybe it’s something I think, something I feel, something I do or something I believe or I care about. And the same is true for all of you. I know now that there is always someone for whom something I write has some value because it either resonates with them or provides them with something that they didn’t have before. I often write based upon a feeling that I need to write this today – For myself or someone else. Sometimes I know who it’s for an sometimes I don’t. Today I’m going to write about something that I feel will be useful to a good number of you. And it’s something I wish I understood when I was much younger but back then I was too poorly equipped intellectually and emotionally to understand what I now understand.
Inside of your journeys to make ET contact (for those of you who are here for that reason), you are actually trying to discover who you are and to understand your connection with everything else. You’ve asked all the really big questions about existence and you’re desperate to find answers. But that part or aspect of you is only doing what it needs to do. There are other parts or aspects that already have everything that they need. And so you will go through your life trying to create order from disorder, to make sense of the chaos and to find a way of feeling deeply satisfied. All the while aware that none of this is necessary. Inside of you there is a sense that everything is OK as it is but you refuse to let this feeling, this sense, occupy it’s place in the throne of your being and to reside within you night and day. Only when you stop dreaming at night, does your pre-occupation with the self subside and you return to the part/aspect that needs no satisfying.
And so when you are awake and conscious (or semi conscious as is most often the case), you are driven by this urge to be satisfied and the urge to control. But what is it that is seeking to control what ?
In order to live fully and to feel everything, it can be useful to let the many different aspects of your being come to the surface and enjoy being free of limitation and restriction.
The universe is whole that sees itself as parts. And no where is this more vivid than in a human being. Therefore in order to come to an understanding and appreciation that you are the whole and the parts, you need to recognize how you function. Let me propose then that fundamentally you function in one of only two ways. You require control or you relinquish control. Some people might possibly function a third way, by integrating both approaches.
In my own life I have experienced both of these approaches and at some point in the last decade came to the third approach. But the other two approaches continue to exist as well. So let me tell you how I came to be like this, so that you can begin to recognize how you too might be able to benefit from a more expansive way of being that is free of many of the limitations and restrictions that affect most people.
I will start by saying that I have always felt strongly that everything is exactly as it should be and that there is a being (call it God, The Light, The Grand Architect, The Great Fluffy Bunny in the Sky, whatever) that orchestrates my entire existence from within me and without. At the same time I have always felt that I am the master of my own life. I have always believed that free will is relative, free will is an illusion and that free will exists. For much of my life I have been focused on reconciling or integrating opposites.
As a child I was very spontaneous. I was a nature loving free spirit of a little boy who quickly learned to control his emotions and actions under a military trained and controlling father and fear inducing Marist Brothers in boarding school. Then I went to university and worked my arse off so that I could eventually be unemployed and my dreams fall apart around me. At some point beyond feeling suicidal, I decided to get my shit together and worked towards another qualification before entering the workforce. It took 20 years from when I was a free spirit of a little boy, to feel good about myself again. Around the same time I married and had a child and was confronted with my child’s congenital heart disease and all the shit of my own childhood. Somewhere during that period I began functioning differently and if I’m honest the real shift began in 1989 when I met my first girlfriend Gabrielle. Gabrielle was a fine artist and she was deeply insecure. She taught me the meaning of kindness and resilience and that I was actually a good person. Just prior to meeting her I had discovered heavy metal in earnest and began exploring a whole world of sound. I had found a vehicle to vent my anger. After meeting Gabrielle, my interest in the arts truly blossomed and I felt utterly bored with science. Soon after I discovered noise and the Avant Garde and my world opened up again in a way that was completely unforeseen. Gone were my plans to be a successful scientist and in their place was a desire to be a successful musician (even though I couldn’t play guitar well or sing for shit !). I was writing hundreds of poems and I knew that I also wanted to be a great writer. Then one day I discovered William Burroughs and his Cut Up Method (a method invented by Brion Gysin) . That method changed everything. I suddenly had a new way to make sound (tape recorder sampling) and a new way to invent poems and stories. In 1994 I moved to Melbourne to follow Gabrielle (who had left 2 years earlier) and after posting an add to find a like minded musician, my girlfriend betrayed me, sleeping with the guy who answered my add. A few months later I met Rachel, moved back to the country and began a completely different kind of life. Rachel was a former Oxford graduate who had Masters degree in Aeronautical Engineering and was also a lead dancer in the Royal Ballet. Rachel was confident and never afraid to express herself. Rachel and I argued incessantly and she challenged me about everything. Rachel taught me how to think for myself and how to stand up on my own two feet. But above everything, she taught me how to feel. In the years that followed we experienced lots of tragedy together, many strange experiences together (like ET contact), many ups and many downs. Before separating she woke me up to a whole new way of being that I had never even known existed. And so in a sense I returned to the little boy that I was. I am now much more relaxed about life and know who I am.
Many of you have heard me speak about my life before, so rather than go through every little detail, let me get to the point. I began my life being very natural and spontaneous. I was then conditioned to be very controlling and structured. I then began to explore a more natural and spontaneous way of being. And now I am able to be both structured and controlling and natural and spontaneous.
Along the way there are certain things that I learnt about and experienced that helped in this development. Some of them were very structured (mind orientated processes) and others were very energy driven (feeling orientated processes). I have learned through trial and error to integrate both of them into how I function and because of this I feel that I am now able to live a harmonious and deeply satisfying life. So what follows is a list of some of the things I learned and experienced that helped bring me to this point. No doubt you all have your own lists that are similar in some fundamental way.
- Photography (structure)
- William Burroughs’s Cut Up method (structure and energy)
- Heavy metal (structure and energy)
- The Avant Garde movement (structure and energy)
- Surrealism and Dad movements (structure and energy)
- Song writing (structure and energy)
- Poetry writing (structure and energy)
- Bibliomancy (self discovered) (energy)
- Classical music (structure and energy)
- J.S. Bach and A. Vivaldi (structure)
- Great vocalists (energy)
- Great song writers (structure and energy)
- Jackson Pollock’s Action Painting (structure and energy)
- Digital artwork (structure)
- Digital music (structure)
- Loving an insecure creative person (structure and energy)
- Living with and loving a creative person / psychic (energy)
- Voltaire’s Candide (structure and energy)
- Hemingway’s Old Man and the Sea (energy)
- Chaos and Complexity Theory in theory (structure)
- Chaos and Complexity Theory in practice (structure and energy)
- Bradford Keeney’s Autokinetics (structure and energy)
- Lucan’s Grail Experience (energy)
- Bert Hellinger’s Family Constellations work (structure and energy)
- Lawrence LeShan’s teachings on meditation (structure and energy)
- Quaker Soaking / Shaking Process for counselling (structure and energy)
- Arnold Mindell’s Process Psychology work (energy)
- Victor V. Wolf’s Holodynamics process (structure and energy)
- PJ Gaenir’s Archetype Meditation process (structure and energy)
- Osho’s moving meditations (structure and energy)
- Theravada and Mahayana Buddhism (structure and energy)
- Advaita / Neoadvaita (structure and energy)
- Shamanism (energy)
- The I-Ching (structure and energy)
- Systems Theory (structure)
- Family Therapy (structure and energy)
- Daoism (energy)
- The natural world (structure and energy)
- Burra Burra (Mountain of the Eagle) (energy)
- Deceased Aboriginal Australians and Native North Americans (energy)
- Connecting with dead people (energy)
- Connecting with my guides (structure and energy)
- Connecting with ETs (structure and energy)
- Dude (structure and energy)
- Connecting with trees (energy)
- Improvisation in art, music, dance and literature (structure and energy)
- Stream of consciousness writing (energy)
- Writing novels, plays, poetry, short stories etc. (structure and energy)
- Transpersonal psychology (structure and energy)
- Life threatening and life affirming illness (structure and energy)
- Carl Jung (structure and energy)
- Albert Einstein (structure and energy)
- John Paul 2 (energy)
- Great poets, novelists and playwrights (structure and energy)
- Great musicians (structure and energy)
- Great artists (structure and energy)
- Great philosophers (structure and energy)
- Great orators and story tellers (structure and energy)
- Great men and great women (energy)
- Great souls (energy)
- Kind people (energy)
- Mythology and symbolism (structure and energy)
- Ramana Maharshi’s Self Inquiry process (structure and energy)
- Walking (structure and energy)
- Qi Gong (structure and energy)
- Meditation (structure and energy)
- Swimming (energy)
- Cats (energy)
- Birds (energy)
- Plants (energy)
- Ants (structure and energy)
- People (structure and energy)
- History (structure)
- Clouds (structure and energy)
- Sand (structure and energy)
- Water (structure and energy)
- Dreaming (energy)
- Reading (structure and energy)
- Breathing (structure and energy)
- Travelling (structure and energy)
- Working with internal symbols (structure and energy)
- Working with internal worlds (structure and energy)
- Working with the body (structure and energy)
- Relaxation (structure and energy)
- My son (energy).
I could probably keep going but I think you get the point. There have been some things that have been very structured and others that have been energy driven. And some that have been both. Some have been very sudden and some have been gradual. What is remarkable about this for me is that I never planned any of this (this thinking represents the structured approach). It just happened. Life unfolded however it wished to unfold. I lived in certain places, traveled to certain places, met certain people, lived and loved certain people, did certain things, experienced certain things, said certain things, sensed certain things, reacted and just experienced. Now here’s the critical point. Sometimes I felt the urge to be very structured. Like when I approached my paid work. I structured my day, I followed up on appointments, I organised meetings, I made phone calls, I wrote finding submissions, etc. And at other times I felt the urge to follow the energy. I often had a hunch about something i should do with a particular person. I had a feeling I should turn down a particular road. I had a feeling I should move my body a particular way. I had a feeling I should explore a certain thing. I swam in the ocean to feel something new and rejuvenating. I walked to a special place, stopped and connected with something I could not see. I paid attention because I felt like something peculiar was about to happen and often it did. I felt the stories beneath the story that a person was telling me because that was the real story they were trying to share with me.
There were times in my life when I thought that I should be far more structured in how I approach things and I could have gone that way. There were other times when I felt I should allow myself to be far more driven by the energy of experience and I could have gone that way. There were times when I ignored one impulse and followed the other one – often to my detriment ! What I eventually came to understand was that it wasn’t necessary to choose one or the either but to accept both. There are times when it is incredibly useful for me to be very structured and systematic (like with my giant ant survey or when I am designing a course or paying my bills) and there are times when it is useful for me to be be very energetically driven (like when I am trying too look after my body or when I am listening to another person or making a making a critical choice). And yet ultimately the two different approaches work best when :
- A. They work together at the same time in relation to a particular thing or
- B. They work in tandem when required in relation to a particular thing.
What this means is that I am integrating my experience fully by using the totality of my being to experience it. And the only way to do that is with awareness. Awareness of the body and the mind. Awareness of mental activity, emotion, the body’s feeling and the energy that surrounds you.
As an organism that recognizes itself as a part of something larger and that may or may not recognize that it is also this larger entity, you can easily forget that you are connected to everything (via the life force) and that you are everything. And if you remember, you can than use the two different ways of functioning and connecting to the universe to create a third way of functioning that includes and transcends both of them. In so doing you function from within The Great Triangle of Your Being.
Many musicians believe that they improvise but actually so often they use a set of well known tools to create something seemingly new. A true improviser feels the energy within and without and creates without depending on what she knows, trusting entirely to what is rising within her. But a great improviser knows both how to use structure (what is known) and how to use energy (what is unknown) to create something truly original. She uses structure to step back and see all possible approaches to herself and the audience and uses energy to let the universe speak through her however it wishes. An integrated approach like this requires an awareness of your conditioning, a willingness to step back and to see, an openness to what is possible, a willingness to control and relinquish control and awareness of mind and body.
Steve Jobs died prematurely because he ignored his body and he followed his mind. He ignored his energy and he followed his structure. But he could have done both and lived a harmonious long life. The same thing happens every day to almost every one you know. They ignore one aspect of functioning in preference to another.
My greatest and only real achievement in life, has been to learn how to function as a whole person, instead of one who has allowed himself to be fragmented.
With this in mind, may the IT gurus among you, learn how to embrace your gut feelings; may the nurses among you, learn to analyze and understand how people relate to one another; may the tradies among you, learn how to change the world by puting your ideas into practice; may the artists among you, stop puting your art second to keeping the wolves at bay; may the Qi Gong practitioners among you, start getting in touch with your deepest emotions; may the physicists among you, start painting those pictures you’ve always seen in your dreams; may the mathematicians among you, start getting in touch with the feelings in your body; may the biologists among you, start noticing the emotions in the animals you study; may the politicians among you, start giving into the things you cannot control; may the doctors among you, start looking after your own bodies when they cry out in pain; may the priests among you, trust in the doctrines in your own hearts in preference to those you learned at the seminary; and may the ordinary men and women among you, start allowing yourself to experience the many aspects of your being.
an opportunity to make choices every single conscious moment
perfect with all of it’s imperfections
whatever you choose it to be
unbearable and crushing
endless change and opportunity
how you use your time and energy
an encounter with the unknown
a dance with the downtrodden and those who get everything for free
fair and unfair
glorious, strange and beautiful
loss and grief, having and losing
love and hatred
not what you plan
desire and satisfaction, yearning and fulfillment
to be enjoyed through the body, with the body, for the body and with a love for the body
a journey of the spirit
presence and distraction
mind and body
process and structure
I and emptiness
an experience of separation and difference, wholeness and sameness
an expression of your unique essence and the essence that connects all of creation
a tango between inner and outer worlds
a drama with many roles and many masks
a void filled with love and war, direction and uncertainty
the mountains and the ravines, the plains and the caves
learning and teaching, giving and receiving
relationship and aloneness
sickness and health, birth and death and everything in between
zero and infinity
creation and destruction.
Why waste time wondering about the purpose of your life ?
And by living, you will experience a life of purpose.
For those of you who are struggling to find your purpose, this is what Dude said when I asked him one of your questions a few years ago. You can read the remainder of his answer here : https://app.box.com/s/4a727tfoppz1ti6efrbzaf9pqbof6u9d
Does every one, every living being, whether that be a person, plant, animal, thing with asoul, have a purpose in the life that they’re currently in ?
The purpose of any living thing is to live and to experience the life force in any way that it chooses to manifest itself. These ideas that humans have that there is some sort of divine purpose, they are mere fictions created by you, to help make sense of life. There is no need for a purpose. You did not come into life to full fill any kind of purpose and yet all your major religions talk of some sort of purpose. It isn’t true that there is a purpose that drives your existence – whether it is your life in your physical form or your life outside of the physical form. Everyone who speaks of purpose is speaking of something else, other than what your life is. You are what you are. Your life is what it is. It doesn’t need to fulfil any kind of becoming, any kind of unstated or known or unconscious purpose. These things that you say are purpose, they are things that help you to feel better about all the uncertainties that life throws up to you. When you have a sense of some grand purpose for your life, it is much easier to endure the hardship and the meaningless of existence. Once again, expectation ! You see life as something that should have an outcome. Your outcomes drive your desires and what you desire more than anything is to believe that this life that you are living is driven by some ultimate goal, some other thing, other than merely existing. You cannot grasp, that life isn’t a thing that is driven by an outcome, it is the outcome – whatever arises. And so it needs no purpose. If you say it has purpose, this is merely a projection of your own weaknesses because you don’t like to see that life is what you make it, regardless of whatever the driving force for your existence in the body. There is no grand purpose to your existing in this life or in any other, other than your one and true aim – which is to experience being what you are. You may not see that but it is true.
What is life ?
In today’s monologue I explore the idea of the body of our life’s work and the bodies of work within our life. I explore how our life is the sum of all our life’s work and is reflected in the final moments of who we are in our life (or at any moment) and how at any moment we are working on a body of work, whether we are conscious of it or not. I speculate that we can consciously choose the bodies of work that fill our life – whether they are visible or invisible and suggest that a life well lived, is one in which we come to understand and develop some awareness of the nature of the bodies of work that we allow to fill our life.
My iPod gave a lot of trouble during this recording and I had to stitch together separate segments after it unexpectedly shut down. Forgive any repetition !
Enjoy ! 😉
I’ve been sitting on Dude’s answer to question 11 for a while now and truth be told, I’ve been hesitant to post it. Primarily because the answer he gave me cuts. This answer is primarily for you Sen. I was concerned that Dude’s answer might upset you and seem unreasonable. I spoke to Dude at length about this and he reassured me that what he had to say was in no way intended to hurt you and if anything intended to help you and to help others who are struggling with the same issue.
I used to be someone who believed in the idea of purpose. In fact so much so that at one point it became an overwhelming obsession to discover my purpose. My quest to discover my purpose caused me immense pain and suffering and it made me sick. It is only the wisdom of a dead man and an ET that saved me from the idea of purpose. So it came as no surprise that Dude responded the way that he did. But I still felt that his answer could be interpreted as harsh. So Sen when you read this, please remember that Dude has more than 80 of his own children and has seen countless beings with conditions that parallel that of your child’s, or worse. His words come from a place of caring and understanding, informed not only by individual lives but by the experience of countless civilizations – human and otherwise.
Please know Sen that I received an answer from Anamika regarding your question within a week of your asking it but I have not had the time to transcribe the audio into text. I also have another answer from an aspect I call Alapo and I will try to write that up as soon as I can. It is my wish that by providing you with 3 very different answers you gain exactly what you need.
I chose to explore Sen’s question from 3 different perspectives because it was a question that is close to my own heart and my own experience. My son was born with a major heart condition and his mother has a brain tumour. I often wondered why. And for much of my life I was tortured by the question of suffering. I once wrote in a poem “How much suffering will fulfill this mystery ?”. The mystery being life and god and why god allows suffering. Eventually I abandoned the question of suffering and realized that it was irrelevant because I saw that to live is to suffer – such is the nature of physical forms and everything that I imagine that God has allowed is just a projection of my own mind. What is, is. It is only suffering from a certain point of view. Of course suffering is all relative and none of us can say what suffering is. Each person has their own suffering in their own way. We all have our own limits, capacities and perceptions.
Do any of us ask how a rock suffers ? Or how a fly suffers ? Or how an electron suffers through change and annihilation. Suffering is real but it is both subjective and objective. And depends entirely upon perception and perspective.
It is clear to me, that like all of you, Sen suffers greatly. It is my wish that Dude’s words will help you Sen to see and to experience things a little differently, with a little less suffering.
You can read Dude’s answer here : https://app.box.com/s/4a727tfoppz1ti6efrbzaf9pqbof6u9d . Enjoy ! 😉