11:57 pm here and a late night for me sorting through some goodies I collected today on a walk around the area near Scorpion Hill – 4 km from my house. I’ve been way too busy for blogging. Sorry. And besides which, writing about ETs all the time is boring ! So here’s one of those self centred where am I kind of posts that describes my recent life.
Watching : Birds, clouds, trees, sky and The Detectorists (on Netflix – fucking excellent !).
Listening : Bird song, silence, U2, my son, singing fences, This American Life, Radiotopia, Two Cellos, Queen, Philip Glass, Crash Test Dummies, heart beats.
Surprise : My son bought home a new cat – “Checkers” a 15 week black and white male, wonderful smiley covered package from my friend in Spain !
Last ET conversation : This morning.
Last ET Contact : Last Tuesday. Working on understanding.
Activities : Working in the vegy garden, raising Lokey the wallaby (via a carer though I do most of the work), raising a son, cutting wood, walking, driving, visiting Peter Mac Hospital, working through understanding how to re-orientate how I have been functioning re: healing, built the beginnings of a pseudo archeoastronomical stone calendar – marking out the winter solstice, working on a new website.
Finds : Buckles from 100 plus year old boots in gold mining country, exotic 100 year old plus perfumery & apothecary bottles.
Pickups : Rocks, soil, sand, leaves, lichen, puff balls, colonial history.
Possible discovery : Revisited the idea that Aboriginal people at local Star Rock may have discovered pi a log long time ago (I doubt it given there propensity to use only small numbers) but they left behind the perfect petroglyphic description of it (Sandor from England had his hand on it !) and for years I dismissed the whole idea, believing it just marked out the Southern Celestial Pole (which in itself is extraordinary and easily on par with the likes of Stonehenge – perhaps not in grandeur but in insight).
Ideas I’m exploring : A systematic overview of all human art and music possible trends in relation to different human and natural forces and how to invent new art styles and music (not for me as an artist but as an idea maker), new possibilities in minimalist music, mapping bird song, systems for understanding plant relationships, the movement of flame and its application to data mapping (flux theory and flux maps), contextual healing, factors effecting divergence and convergence (Divergence Theory / Convergence Theory).
Reading : FD. McCarthy’s : Australian Aboriginal Stone Implements, Jodorowsky’s and Mobius’s graphic novel : The Incal (thanks Frédéric !), Frédéric Gros’s : A Philosophy of Walking, Edward Carr’s What is History ?, Alan Bennett’s : Untold Stories.
Dreams : About killing the old self and entering the spirit via an Aboriginal carved rock and the power of will to tame the unconscious, getting lost in Tasmania and being helped by a beautiful red haired woman who runs a hotel, countless fragments too strange to describe.
Challenges : Tumour update other than what I desired, back problems, son’s phone addiction, repeating some old mistakes.
Enjoying : Breathing, sunshine, moonshine, stars, rocks, walking, birds, Checkers, Lokey, Toa, food (always !), freedom, life, reading, sleep, hot water bottle, indoor and outdoor fires, warm turmeric and honey milk at night, opening smiley box from Spain, international friends, sleeping in on cold mornings, organising my life, working on ideas I’ve been collating for last 20 or so years.
Missing : Flowers, full vegy garden, the ocean, body surfing, Teathar and Yowie people in Gariewerd, touch, warm nights under the Milky Way, Flinders Ranges in South Australia, snorkelling, caving, hot curry, my old body free of aches and pains.
Writing : None ! Started out with great intentions last week to continue Dude interview book but instead have been transcribing some personal conversations that we have had over the last few years. About to get back to Dude interview book in next 30 mins.
Angry about : Global loss of biodiversity, rising human population, global refugee crisis, Toa’s electronic addiction, technological dependence, ongoing conflicts around the globe, people’s general lack of awareness about their connection to Earth, all pervasive advertising and propaganda, investment in defence, so called security and surveillance rather than education and biodiversity restoration and protection.
Curious about : The nature of underground plant/fungi relationships, local Aboriginal people (deceased) and mathematics/archeoastronomy, local ants here on our land and as yet undiscovered ants in local hill country, nearest 100 stars and their planets and ET races, the countless unknown classical and experimental composers and musicians I am slowly learning about, my son’s future, Conjoined Space anomalies I’ve experienced, the nature of the life force, Dude’s life, the Chenntramme (a very small ET race), Rare Earth Element was that are happening covertly, the global distribution of microplastics and how the fuck we’ll remove them from existence, European graphic novels and early American graphic novels, the many wonderful people of all nationalities that I could sit and have a great conversation with over a cuppa.
Grateful for : Everything that brings joy or transformation.
One of the things I loathe is all those people who have the perfect prescription for how to live a long life. You know how it goes…be a vegan, eat lots of fruit and vegetables, drink lots of juices, do 60 minutes of aerobic exercise per day, do yoga, meditate, bla bla bla ! My friend Dude is over 8,000 years old and he’s young for one of his people. Dude loves ice cream, Jaffas, Reese’s pieces, popcorn and all manner of junk food ! A human like ET I know on Earth delights in eating Kentucky Fried Chicken ! When ever I ask Dude about what some ETs on Earth eat, he’s amused that ‘we still don’t get it !’. My great grandmother Mary Eileen Young lived to a 100 and even though she went to church every day, she ate whatever she wanted, she rarely exercised, she drank a little Sherry every night and she ate plenty of cookies and fruit cake !
I am always slightly amused when I hear about one of those ‘health experts’ who have a huge reputation for knowing everything about living a healthier longer life, who drop dead unexpectedly ! It seems to me that so many of these people have lives that are filled with worry ! Worry about this or that food, worry about getting enough exercise, worry about making enough money, worry about what others think of them ! Modern human beings are filled with worry !
I personally look up to those human beings who have learned how to enjoy their life, who make every day count and who share their kindness.
Sure we can argue that some people live longer because of certain genetic predispositions but for the most part I think that’s a load of crap ! I think the human body is incredibly tough and resilient ! It gets most of what it needs from almost anything we put into it and it it can get by on minimal exercise. What it can’t cope with is the internal forces that we inflict on it – stress, worry, dissatisfaction and a lack of joy. The human spirit seeks to express itself and there’s nothing more suffocating to the human spirit than stress, worry, dissatisfaction and a lack of joy !
Before my tumour diagnosis in 20007, I used to make briar tobacco pipes and smoke natural herbs like Damiana, Sage, native Tobacco and Mugwort occasionally. I always smoked in moderation and knew how to smoke carefully (unlike a lot of dickheads who will smoke anything and everything in ridiculous volumes !). I educated myself about what ever I smoked and I never took risks wit anything that might have been potentially toxic. I liked smoking by the outdoor fire and reading a book ! I found it very relaxing and highly enjoyable. I gave up smoking when I was diagnosed because I didn’t know for sure at the time that it might not cause my remaining kidney harm. But I’m determined that in the last few years of my life (whenever that might be) that I will go back to smoking a pipe. There’s nothing quite like smoking a pipe that you made from a briar root that you spent days digging out of the ground and lovingly hand carved and polished ! Maybe I ought to resume smoking my pipe now but I don’t really feel the urge to smoke. But every now and then I take out my old pipes and turn them over in my hands and stick the them in my mouth and pretend and I remember how much I enjoyed puffing like an old man !
I tend to believe that modern cigarettes aren’t great for your health but they may well do no harm if everything else in your life is right. You don’t worry, you don’t stress and you enjoy life immensely ! But how many people that you know who smoke don’t have some other kind of underlying issue going on ! Very few smokers are free of anxiety, worry, stress, relationship problems, busyness or dissatisfaction ! I believe those are the things that kill people first !
Life is for living and most people do not remember how to live ! The walking dead are all around us – both young, middle aged and old ! I see little point in trying to live a long life unless it’s lived fully !
I try to eat well and I grow most of my own food when I can. But I don’t stress about what I eat and if I need to splurge on crap food because there’s nothing else nearby, I’ll eat it. I also love chocolate, hot chocolate, sweets occasionally and ice cream ! These days I enjoy my food – whatever it is ! I feel like enjoying my food is the most important thing that I can do. It isn’t about what I eat, it’s about how I eat. So I eat with enjoyment ! I love eating !
Long live all the so called bad things in life ! Hail to pipes, ice cream, whiskey, port, sherry, chocolate and Reese’s Pieces !
When you look for me in the afterlife, look for a middle aged guy in a white suit smoking a pipe by a fire !
Check out Mr Overton below for a little more inspiration. And throw him a little financial help if you can !
Live long and prosper ! 😉
Hey folks, how’s life ?
Last night was a turning point in my health. I woke up at 5 am with excruciating abdominal cramps, dragged myself to the toilet where I spent 30 minutes with some of the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. I broke out in a hot sweat, felt like I might throw up and pass out on the toilet floor, where I might shit myself into oblivion. After the most painful slugs I’ve ever given birth to and a never ending drip of ooze, I began shivering and went back to bed. After 14 months of monthly injections of Lanroetide LAR in my butt, I decided in the twilight hours of the morning that enough is enough ! The side effects of this drug far outweigh whatever benefits it has. I’m fortunate enough to pay just $3 per injection for a drug that costs between $2,500-$3,000 in Australia and $7,000 in the US. The government subsidy makes this super expensive drug affordable. However no matter how fortunate I am, this drug just isn’t for me !
I had been living with renal carcinoid tumours for 10 years before I decided to accept treatment and at that point I had 2 options and an option that was a possibility. The first option was Lutate Therapy – which involves the use of a radiopeptide. It came with a small risk of renal failure (which didn’t appeal to me having just 1 kidney) and an acute form of leukaemia. The potential side effects of this treatment in the long term are not yet known. The supposedly easy option, that was referred to as the ‘ace up my sleeve’ by one specialist, was Lanreotide LAR. The other potential option was a form of minicell treatment which delivers microscopic amounts of anti tumour drugs and microRNA to tumour cells. I discovered at the last minute that the group running trials in this treatment, would only consider me when all my other options had run out, i.e. when I was at death’s door ! There is no guarantee that minicell treatment would be effective but I thought the approach they used sounded promising. In addition to these 3 treatments I had been told about a number of immunotherapy /platelet therapy treatments that were in the pipeline at various institutions around the country by Dude and my guide Kanatek.
Dude had encouraged me to stay on L LAR for 18 months if I could but had said on several occasions that I needed to constantly evaluate how things were going. The dozen or so side effects that I suffer from with the drug (many of which I had previously as a result of Carcinoid Syndrome and it was supposed to alleviate) are making life unbearable. I only stayed on the drug because it has been shown to reduce the size of tumours ad I felt that some reduction in tumour size would help in my overall recovery and minimise the negative impacts of Carcinoid Syndrome on my body.
I’ve never been a fat person but I’ve been walking around for almost a year with what feels like a Homer Simpson gut due to abdominal swelling / bloating and it’s the most uncomfortable thing to feel your tumours hurting and like you’ll explode at any time in the night or day. In addition I used to be able to manage my hypoglycemia but now it is almost unmanageable and after being fucked around constantly by endocrinologists, I feel like no one has a fucking clue what my tumours are doing to my body. I can’t go 3 hours without needing to eat or rest. And some days I fee like I’m close to falling into a coma. Glucose and sugar related foods do nothing to alleviate the problem and the only thing that helps is red meat because my body seems to depend on the gluconeogenesis pathway more than the glycolysis pathway. In other words it gains energy from amino acids instead of glucose. Something is going on in relation to the hormones that my body is secreting, that no one understands. Dude has told me that several of the hormones are hormones that we humans have not yet discovered. Which is great to know but it doesn’t help me to find a solution !
On the plus side, Dude’s and Kanatek’s help, has been fantastic but now matter how much help I receive, it has been impossible to alleviate the major side effects of this bloody drug !
Today I was supposed to go in and have my second minor toe surgery (1 rear corner on my big toe) but I felt too sick and had to cancel. Which means another month of hobbling around ! Right now it’s very much a woe is me situation ! But this too will pass in a couple of hours !
If another person suggests another black box alternative therapy to me, I’ll punch them in the face ! I am soooooooo over all these alternative suggestions from people who have never had or outlived tumours by several decades ! They have no fucking idea !
So yeah, I’m a little pissed off. I’m tired now and I’ve tried my best ! Some days I have moments when I feel a little like my sister did when she realised the game was over and that her tumours would kill her.
Where to now ? Well, it will take at least 6 months for this drug to be out of my system. I have 14 3-4 cm hard lumps in my backside and abdomen from the injections. Side effects that were supposed to be pea size and last a week at most. Once the drug is completely out of my system the side effects should subside. I need to have another Gallium 68 PET scan in a few months to see if the drug had any impact. I’ve been handed over to a new oncologist, as the old one has been moved on to another department. No doubt, the new one will try to convince me to have surgery as the last one did. If she ignores what I say she can go fuck her self !
Once I know if the drug has had any impact on my tumours I can make some decisions. In the meantime I’m going back to scratch to look at all my options. I may or may not see a private endocrinologist. That’s going to cost a lot of money but it will be worth it if I can find the right person. Alternatively I may say fuck the lot of them and refuse to go back and see anyone – including the oncologist ! I may also consider approaching the company in Sydney (NSW) who is running the minicell trials again. There is a group in Adelaide (South Australia), who are doing interesting things with a novel form of treatment and I plan on visiting them when I am well enough to travel. But most importantly I am going to continue doing what Dude and Kanatek tell me. I was instructed by the Teal’hia in 2011 to follow Kanatek’s suggestions closely and I’ve been a bit of a slack arse when it comes to maintaining the degree of diligence and discipline that he has suggested is necessary to heal completely. I also plan on spending a lot more time in contact with our local creek – which has very strong energy as a result of the mineral rich sands in it and the hundreds of River Red Gum trees. The critical thing, which I still believe matters most is that I attend to the root causes of this disease, allow myself to feel healed and have the right attitude towards treatment. I’ve had tumours disappear before and I know what works but I have some very bad habits that have been very difficult to change. I know that tumours are merely a reaction to how one lives and that all tumours result from a convergence of root causes. Alternative therapies and western medicine don’t address these. Sometimes they can help shrink tumours but they can’t stop them coming back. Only a radical shift in belief and how one feels in addition to addressing root causes can do that.
Life is otherwise perfect, complete with it’s many varied challenges ! I miss having a completely healthy and fit body and while I can never go back to what I once was, I look forward to experiencing life without this particular drug in my body ! I am convinced that more people die of so called ‘health promotion’ and alternative and western treatments than if they were to know nothing about their illnesses or have no treatment at all.
In 2 months time it will be 12 years since my initial diagnosis. Most people with this disease are dead by now or have had years of treatment and are often not in good shape. I feel blessed that I have outlived all the doom and gloom prognoses. To be given a diagnosis of tumours (or in the popular language of western culture – “Cancer”), is to be given an opportunity to seize the day and live as fully as possible ! My sister Susy had just 11 months knowing she had brain tumours before she died. How fortunate am I that I can still grace this Earth with my presence ! And that I have the opportunity to do so much good and be so annoying to the people I like annoying !
Thank you to everyone who has supported me financially and thank you to everyone who has supported all my work. You all know who you are ! Without you, there would be know ET and I or The Something Monologues. And a huge thank you to the person who gave so selflessly with my recent fundraiser. Your kindness had a profound impact on my life and came at a moment when this little man most needed financial help !
Alas, writing always seems to make everything better. Now that I’ve gotten this far I feel a little silly for complaining so much ! Whenever I have a shitty time like I have this last 2 months, I remind myself that I have so much to live for ! I have a beautiful 19 year old son who makes me very proud and today he has gone to Cosplay Kylo Ren with his friends. I have countless birds to enjoy ! Birds that surround the house, birds that live in the paddocks and along the creek. Birds everywhere. Always talking and singing and bringing me endless pleasure. I have met and spoken to my sister who died and I now know how her journey is unfolding and that she’s OK. That makes me feel better about what happened to her. I am surrounded by countless trees that I planted and feel great pride in the forest that I have created. I have a small body of work in ET and I and The Something Monologues, which I think may contribute a little to making the human world a better place. And I see much good that I can continue creating. I have a car and the opportunity to travel to the local hills, the mountains and the coast where I used to live. I have relationships with ETs and the Hairy Folk. I have an intimate relationship with Dude and Anamika, for which I am so grateful ! I have 3 new friends on opposite side of the worlds, with whom I love corresponding and hearing about their lives. And above all, I have freedom. The freedom to breathe fresh air, the freedom to live how I wish to live and to make my own choices. No matter how long I live, to have known freedom has been the greatest joy.
And now I choose to go outside and lay among the towering River Red Gums in the dry creek bed and bath in the rays of the sun and listen to Magpies singing.
Ladies, many of you have heard of the mythical G-Spot and you may have wondered, ‘Just how do I get my partner to hit the right place ?’ And gents, you may also have heard of the mythical G-Spot and wondered the same thing. Or perhaps some of you know the G-Spot intimately well and have mastered the art of super orgasms. Like many of you, I too wondered about the mythical G-Spot. But I’m afraid this post isn’t about the G-Spot. If you’d like to know more about G-Spot and other wonders of female sexuality, try reading Derek Llewellyn-Jones book Everywoman (https://www.amazon.com/Everywoman-Derek-Llewellyn-Jones/dp/B0006DCFRM) and Emily Nagoski’s book Come as You Are (https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising Transform/dp/1476762090 / http://www.emilynagoski.com/).
I’d like to talk briefly about the J-Spot – the Joy Spot and how to hit it more often. What is a Joy Spot ? Well, I just made it up ! But we might say, the Joy Spot is that sweet thing that almost always brings you joy. So how do you hit the J-Spot. You make time for it. You re-arrange your life so that you have regular time for the things that bring you joy. One possibility is that you make make time to have 15 minutes a day doing something that brings you joy. I love walking and it brings me immense joy. So every day I walk for at least an hour. I also love sitting in the sun and listening to the birds, so I take time whenever I can to have breaks and sit in the sun and listen to the birds.
People have all kinds of excuses why they can’t find time. And at the end of the day the only solution is to prioritise how you use your time. If work is taking up too much time, work less, say no to your boss or your business, set boundaries on your time. Everyone is expendable and can be replaced ! If kids are taking up too much of your time, set boundaries on your kids and ask for help. If study is taking up too much of your time, drop a subject, study less, get help, have midnight oil days and lighter days. In every situation the desire to do whatever it takes to create a healthier life is what will create a healthier life. The idea to create change can’t just be stuck in your head. You have to acknowledge that you want it and to feel the desire. And if you can’t feel the desire, feel the pain and suffering and your body trying to say, “NO !”.
Every carer knows what it’s like to feel invisible. Every worker knows what it feels like to feel ignored. Every partner and every parent knows what it feels like to feel unimportant. The only way that anything changes is when you say “NO !” to how things are and begin to take action towards how you would like things to be. But first you have to see how things really are and feel how things really are. Let your body speak to you. Let it tell you that it feels like shit ! And listen ! Listen deeply ! And let your body guide you !
So here are a couple of steps on a potential path to changing your life and hitting the J-Spot.
- Make a list of 10 things you love doing.
- Prioritise them into things that take longer than a day, between 1-24 hours and less than an hour.
- Decide how often you’d like to do each one.
- Figure out what needs to change in order to have time for 1 thing in each category to be realised.
- Identify the obstacles to change for each of those things.
- Make a choice to tackle each obstacle systematically.
- Talk to people who are relevant to your life about the changes you wish to make and ask for their support.
- Every morning ask your body, “What do I need to do today to feel joy ?” and listen for an answer.
- Follow your body’s advice.
Throw away your vibrator, your bong, your phone and let yourself experience the things that bring you greatest joy. If you need your vibrator, your bong and your phone, you better not throw them out, in case someone else grabs them. No point giving up your Joy Toys if you really need them ! But more than likely the things that bring you greatest joy are very simple.
This post is about as New Age as I plan on sounding.
I’m trying to make a point here. People suffer needlessly for so long, postponing the things they most wish they had in their lives, until the time is perfect. I used to see that every day in a Radiotherapy unit. People who had postponed living fully and enjoying life, until they could retire. And within weeks of retirement, their bodies turned around and said, “Fuck you, you’ve been an arse hole to me for decades. Here’s a bunch of tumours !”. And often it was too late and they ran out of chances ! They didn’t get it, being so focused on the golden nest egg and the accolades of a glorious life of work, money and somebodyness ! Many of them ran out of time and no amount of chemotherapy or radiotherapy was enough to stop the resistance of their tumours to a life that was being squandered !
We must all seize the day without excuse ! Because no matter how many of our excuses are valid, every minute of your day you spend filling your life with activities that don’t fill you with joy or provide you with fulfilment, is making you sick ! And I know that’s easy to say and hard to do (Take it from someone who has been there !). If you’re a grandmother who takes care of your own father who has dementia, your husband who drinks too much and your grand children because your kids work too much; that’s going to sound like wishful thinking. If you’re a tradie who works from 7am-7pm 6 days a week for himself and you have a $700, 000 mortgage; that’s going to sound ridiculous. And if you’re a young doctor working in an Emergency Department 70 hours a week and you’re wife is looking after your 3 kids and she’s cranky with you; that’s going to sound like Ju Ju ! But you have that choice. If your life is not what you want it to be, you have a choice how to rearrange it and how to use your time. There are always solutions, if you are willing to make choices, make sacrifices and change how you see a situation and how to see the possibilities. But it may mean that you have to walk away from a particular situation, a particular lifestyle or certain relationships that are unhealthy for you.
Great change can only come from great awareness and a deep desire to honour who you really are !
So why not start by making a little time every day to hit your J-Spot ? 5 minutes a day is all it takes to change a life time !
Sometimes the moment brings us something other than what we anticipate. Planning life can get in the way of so much !
I dedicate this brief post to Isobella, Frédéric, Sandor, Jacqui, Nick, Catharine, Darci and my son. Beautiful people on a journey into the great unknown !
Yesterday I turned 48. That doesn’t really mean much, except that it means that I’m still here. My sister would have been 47 on November 24th but she died in February. The reminder of how fortunate I am, is always very close to my awareness. Every day brings whatever it brings and with it I suffer and I experience freedom and everything in between. The ‘I’ longs and yearns for so much, endures so much, creates so much, deludes with so much, imagines so much and desires so much. Yet it is only one aspect of the totality of our being.
There is so much more to who and what we are, if we only allow ourselves to open up to a self that is beyond identity.
But I don’t want to suggest that we should ignore the I aspect of our entity. In fact I want to suggest that you embrace your I. So how the hell do we do that ? By acknowledging and feeling everything. See the ugliness of your life and feel it. See the fear in your life and feel it. See the beauty in your life and feel it. See the anxiety in your life and feel it. See the physical and emotional pain in your life and feel it. See the desire in your life and feel it – letting it take you where it wants and learn from what it creates. See the aspirations and dreams of your life and feel what is at their core and what you experience as you chase them. See your relationships exactly as they are and feel everything that comes with them. The good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful.
You are this being experiencing the I and all the drama that comes with it. So don’t deny it, run away from it or suppress it. Let it live.
One way to understand the I of your existence is to reflect on it through exploration. Ask yourself questions. Feel and hear the answers. What is the tone of your life right now ? Positive or negative or both ?What are the dominant emotions that are at play in your life on a regular basis ? What themes dominate your life or describe what your experiencing now ? And why do they seem to be playing out right now ?
Sometimes its worth stepping back and seeing your life like a work of art – a novel say. Look at it like a giant story full of smaller stories. Full of dramas, plots, themes, archetypes, people, places, situations/events, tragedies, comedies, births, deaths, sacrifices, initiations and rebirths. Don’t judge, just look. See, recognise, learn and accept. This is the journey of your I and everything has value. Value now and value later. Value to you and value to others. Value to everything that will ever be.
In this walky talky, I explore the notion that we can actually walk without distraction or the desire to label. I’ve been an avid walker for 37 years and it’s my desire to encourage you to share in the joy of walking.
WARNING : Sony Walkman, Michael Jackson and Motley Crue make an appearance in this monologue ! 😉
Today’s walky talky, starts with the joy of sheep ! Using their inspiration, I explore how we can systematically and holistically experience the joy of the present moment !